Peer Review 15 for Nick Hernandez

What's Nick up to?

In this blog we are going to be looking at Nick's QRG.

The Preliminary Stuff

So we are peer reviewing Nick Hernandez's QRG called What a Year it Has Been which can be found here.

In this I will be suggesting a form edit for his QRG.

Down to Business!

1. I helped Nick with his feedback by explaining the hyperlink issue. He had some facts that needed referencing in order to deem Nick as a credible source. I think this will give him the last bit of form he needs on his QRG to put his work over the top.

2. I incorporated the organization aspect into Nick's review. I basically told him that he should shift around the images to give it more of QRG look than a collage kind of look. I think this will help him get even more points in the form category.

3. I admired Nick's style of QRG. He spent a lot of time actually giving his QRG a fun kind of look that makes it warming and easy to read. It's always tough to make everything you do look nice, but I think Nick nailed it on this one. I will definitely be incorporating this into my future works over the next few years.

Editorial Report 15b

What's up?

This blog will be comprised of changing my Outro!

The original

Outro:

This semester has been very interesting to say the least. Not only have I grown as a student, but I’ve grown as an individual in all aspects of my life. The skills I’ve learned from this class will help guide me through all future classes here at the U of A, and beyond my college experience.

The New

Outro:

This semester has been very interesting to say the least. Not only have I grown as a student, but I’ve grown as an individual in all aspects of my life. The skills I’ve learned from this class will help guide me through all future classes here at the U of A, and beyond my college experience. I can be sure that if the going ever gets tough, I can just take a deep breath and know that I can accomplish any task thrown my way, as I have proven this semester. This class truly changed me as a person, and has proven that deep down there was better writer inside me than I originally thought. On that note, thank you English 109 and Sean Bottai for a great year, and for helping me transform into a better and more efficient version of myself.

The Questions!

1. I added much more reflection into my adapted version of my rough cut. I actually described more than just stated and really concluded the entire video in this section. Rather than stating the video was over, I made sure it was known that it was concluding.

2. I added pictures and sound to the video which concluded the video along with a credits page for form. I made it visually appealing and did a credits esque kind of ending for the Video essay.

Editorial Report 15a

What's up?

This blog is designed to show the change in my intro!

The original

Intro:

The Semester is coming to an end, and now it’s time to reflect on the year. 2016 has been a time of highs and lows with many valuable lessons that have been learned. I can show how I have bettered my skills pertaining to time management, personal care, and adapting to new writing scenarios.

The New One

Intro:

The Semester is coming to an end, and now it’s time to reflect on the year. 2016 has been a time of highs and lows with many valuable lessons that have been learned. This semester I have grown so much as not only a student, but as an individual overall and built many skills that had never been taught in classes prior to English 109. The English 109 curriculum has improved my skills as a writer, student, and future business professional tremendously, both in and outside of the class room. By reviewing previous projects from the semester, I can show how I have bettered my skills pertaining to time management, personal care, and adapting to new writing scenarios.

The Questions

1. The original intro featured less commentary than my new intro does. Now I actually introduce my year and how it went rather than awkwardly cutting it short without a thesis paragraph so I think the audience will enjoy that.

2. The form improved tremendously. For starters I added more content and I added videos and pictures compared to it being a black screen. So now I have a little elaboration on the words of the essay visually and phonetically. 

Open Post to Peer Reviewers

The Last Project

This blog will include a link to my final project of the class and what you should look for. Enjoy!

Link to Project

Click here to view my project.

What you should know about my project

1. I'd like the viewers to know that I put a lot of time into the content section of this project and that I had a lot of fun with the form of the project. My goal was to keep the audience visually engaged and I'd love feedback on how that worked out!

2. Weaknesses with my project would be the flow of the video. I hope that it all flows well together and doesn't appear too choppy. I would have added better picture transitions if I could have but I was short for time on this project.

3. Strengths of this are definitely the reflection  itself. I truly learned a lot this year and had a lot to share with my viewers. Thanks for watching and have a great rest of your Summer!

Peer Review for Nick Hernandez

Let's see what Nick's got!

This post is dedicated as a review for Nick's QRG!

Let's begin

Nick Hernandez's QRG is named English 109 in a page and can be found here.

I will be doing a form suggestion for Nick's project.

Down to the important stuff

1. I made Nick's work better by offering suggestions that will improve how his QRG looks and how it flows overall. I think by adding my form suggestions, Nick will be able to create an elegant QRG that really grasps the idea of what a QRG is actually meant to be. Right now it's just an outline, but he has a ton of great content to work with.

2. I incorporated the organization factor into Nick's essay because I highlighted the white space idea which is huge for organization. I think this will make Nick's essay visually appealing and will increase the effectiveness of his QRG.

3. I admired the overall fluidity of Nick's QRG outline. He had some sound ideas and it seemed to flow very well. I think I need to incorporate this aspect into my video essay, as fluidity is super key to the effectiveness of my essay. In the end I think anyone can take this away from Nick's current outline.

Production 8b

How's the raw content?

In this blog post I'm going to show a rough cut of my Video Essay and compare it to the outline that I created last week.

From the Outline

Here's a section of the conclusion part of the outline that I'll be showing an adaptation to:

"Here I plan to recap all of the points that I've discussed and to really show how I changed this semester. I plan to also discuss how I will use these changes in my future endeavors as a college student, and in the working world as well. Then I'll sign off in the video essay."

Access to raw content

Here's the adapted part of my outline that is now my rough cut conclusion paragraph:

This semester has been interesting to say the least. Not only have I grown as a student, but I’ve grown as an individual as well. The skills I’ve learned truly compliment keys to success that exist in the world. The skills I’ve learned will serve me well in my future tasks, through college and beyond. This semester has shaped me to be operate better in an ever-changing environment that the world exists in today.

Audience Questions

1. For my conclusion I need to add some very catchy outro music and leave the audience on a good note. I need to wrap up how I've grown all together from this class and how my skills have improved as a whole. The conventions need to give my audience a warm feeling and a sense of feeling complete. I think if the music blends and I end on a good note, then it'll be very effective.

2. There definitely weren't as many hiccups in the concluding paragraph as there were in my introduction paragraph. Since this is basically restating my main ideas, I didn't have too much trouble with it. The only issue I had was trying to send the audience off on a deeper level, rather than just cutting the essay short and saying "okay you can leave now." I tried to make the ending powerful, but I think I can do a better job of it once I edit the rough cut.

Production 8a

How's the raw content?

In this blog post I'm going to show a rough cut of the script of my video essay and compare it to the outline.

From the Outline

Here's a section of the introduction part of the outline that I'll be showing an adaptation to (the intro):

"Here I plan on introducing the struggles and events that I've gone through in this class over the semester. I want to be as brutally honest in this project in order to show how I've grown throughout this semester as a writer."

Access to raw content

Here's the adapted part of my outline that is now my rough cut intro paragraph:

"The Semester is coming to an end, and now it’s time to reflect on the year. 2016 has been a year of many highs and many lows with many valuable lessons that have been learned. As a student in the English 109H curriculum, my skills as a writer, student, and future business professional have improved tremendously. By scanning through previous works from the semester, I’m able to see how I have grown in skills pertaining to time management, personal care, and adapting to new writing scenarios."

Audience Questions

1. I can't really critique my form just yet, as that will be an important part of the video aspect of the video essay. I plan on doing some upper body shots and doing it in a similar fashion to the gender roles video we watched in class. I also plan on adding some effects that aren't overwhelming and adding a slight background music that enhances the beginning of the video. This will make the video entertaining and kind of spunky.

2. The introduction is always the hardest part of the essay in my opinion. So just starting it to get the ball rolling was the toughest part of the project. I couldn't really figure out how I wanted to come at the readers and what I wanted the tone of my personal reflection to be. It was a lot of decision making that is definitely still subject to change. I'd say the successes are undetermined because I just finished it today and I need to take a break before I come back and look at my script again.

Production Schedule

Production time slots

In this blog, we're going to be looking at when and where I'm doing this project.

Let's Begin

So I'm going to create subsections for all of the schedule down below.

What is to be done:

In this project I have to get through the rough draft obviously. I need to make it thorough, so like a work hard now instead of later. I plan on working on it on Monday and Tuesday, and then editing it on Wednesday and Friday. My main goal is to have it uploaded Thursday night so that I can just drop a link in the turn in box on D2L. This will eliminate any turn in issues.

Location:

My dorm room, and maybe at the SigEp house. I need to gather materials from the SigEp house in order to make the video so I'll probably do it there as well. I might go to the library and rent out a room to do this too, as I'll need a quiet space to conduct this video.

Planned, Date, and Time

This week will be grinding for finals and studying, so my planned time will be about a couple of hours through the week every day. I think if I stretch it out over the week that I will be golden on this project.

Resources Required

My laptop and a video camera that has pretty good sound quality are going to be needed in this project. I want the quality to be great, and I don't want a second rate video to screw it up.

Date Completed

I'm going to have it all done come Thursday night at about 6 p.m. because I have an accounting final on Friday and don't want to worry about this project on Friday. It'll be up and ready to go on YouTube come Thursday.

Changes Made After Completion

I won't have too many changes to make since this is basically a week and a half project so hopefully it all comes out smoothly!

Content Outline

The Big Picture

In this post I'm going to be giving a rough outline of my project, highlighting all of the major points and providing evidence for each part.

The Outline

Opening Section:

Here I plan on introducing the struggles and events that I've gone through in this class over the semester. I want to be as brutally honest in this project in order to show how I've grown throughout this semester as a writer.

Body Paragraph 1:

The main idea here is to reflect on my time management skills and how they've improved over the course of the semester.

Evidence - Starting this year I was poorly equipped to handle large assignments and space them out throughout the week.

• This proves that I was not ready to bear the task of this class at the beginning of the semester.

• This is important because this class required a lot of dedicated time in order to balance it with my other classes.

Evidence - As the school year went on I improved the time management and balance of my classes.

• This proves that I can handle the struggles of college work and other classes and extracurriculars.

• This is important because I've built a skill that I will need day-in and day-out for the rest of my life.

Body Paragraph 2: 

The main idea of this body paragraph is to discuss the personal care aspect that has improved over this semester.

Evidence - This semester contained a lot of late nights and early mornings, so staying well rested was key.

• This evidence proves that sleep is actually important to staying sane and keeping up with a diet and such.

• This is important because life goes on whether I'm ready or not, and this class taught me to prepare for it.

Evidence - Eating well was a struggle over the semester.

• This Evidence proves that it was hard maintaining a healthy diet over the semester when facing late nights.

• This is important because to maintain a healthy lifestyle in college, I had to manage the times I ate around my work.

Body Paragraph 3:

The last body paragraph will explain my reflection on adapting to new writing scenarios and situations.

Evidence - Using new genres creates adversity that we must overcome.

• This proves that I had to build skills that improved my adaptability and researching techniques in order to follow conventions.

• This is important because in the following years I will be faced with different writing genres in the business school which will be tough to face.

Evidence - Learning from other's work allows me to expand my literary abilities.

• This proves that I am able to take a new idea and shape it into my own form of that similar style of idea.

• This is important because it shows that I can adapt to any given situation that occurs.

Closing Section:

Here I plan to recap all of the points that I've discussed and to really show how I changed this semester. I plan to also discuss how I will use these changes in my future endeavors as a college student, and in the working world as well. Then I'll sign off in the video essay.

Peer Review for Alec Eulano

Let's what Alec's got!

This post is dedicated as a review for Alec's QRG!

Let's begin

An Unpopular Opinion Protecting Unpopular Opinions by Alec Eulano can be found here. (Blog found here).

I will be doing a re-design recommendation for Alec's project.

Down to the important stuff

1. I made Alec's work better by suggesting a fix in the hyperlink department, as he used an abundance of hyperlinks in his project. They felt a little overwhelming, but I think if he cuts down on them he'll be in great shape. Other than that I thought he did a fantastic job. Another thing that I'd recommend is that if Alec would really reach me in his work. I just need to feel the QRG. I need to feel welcomed by the QRG like I would on a real website.

2. I incorporated the students guide because I helped Alec with the organization of his QRG. By dealing with the hyperlinks he'll have to reorganize it a bit, but other than that it was solid. I think this guy has got a real A1 QRG here and he should be proud of himself.

3. I admired the overall fluidity of Alec's QRG. The flow of his project was unreal, it was mesmerizing. I really think I could learn how to better my projects by following the creativity and effort that Alec put into his project. His project is going to standout amongst the others for sure. His QRG puts everyone else's to shame.

Peer Review for Avalon Lubera

Let's what Avalon's got!

This post is dedicated as a review for Avalon's essay!

Let's begin

Drug Decriminalization: Dangerous or Desirable for the United States? by Avalon Lubera can be found here.

comment found here.

I will be doing a re-design recommendation for Avalon's project.

Down to the important stuff

1. I made Avalon's work better by promoting the usage of better sources. I had never heard of some of the stuff she was talking about, so I had to step into the gauntlet of the fearless internet to see where she got her information from. They were a little sketchy, but sometimes you just got to trust the process. I loved it though, A1.

2. I incorporated the students guide because I helped Avalon with her credibility in her paper. If she isn't credible she is going to lose mad ethos points. Come on girl, we gotta get you back up to par with this project. If you can find a source from the FDA or a major government organization, then you will be golden.

3. I admired the overall concept of Avalon's work. I can tell she has so much passion for information on drugs, it was truly astounding. I think I could harness this raw passion and create a beast of a project. I will forever be in debt to Avalon's passion, it was truly an incredible experience. 

Revised Post to Peer Reviewers

What up doe

In this blog you're about to tune in to the dopest paper of 2016. So dope.

Link

Here it is right here.

Key Info

Look everyone my essay is straight fire, but I think you need to look at my organization. That is the only thing that I am truly worried about. If it is that bad then rip me a new one, but try to positively rip me a new one.

Major Weaknesses

Other than my drive for school, I think this essay is most week in the structure. I tried to make it not too choppy, and create fluidity. Did it work, well you'll have to tell me. I don't know how this one is going to come off to the readers, since no one has really given me a review. Like I said don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, I'll only cry a little bit.

Major Strengths

This essay has some prime time content if you ask me. My personal anecdotes are so on point that it'd be a shame if you call me out on them. The heart and soul went into this paper and I hope you cry and become more understanding through this paper. I'm going to change lives one view at a time so let's do this <3.

Editorial Report 13b

Let's compare and contrast shall we?

In this blog post, I'm going to see the how far one of my body paragraphs has come in this paper.

The Original - Rough Cut

According to Insider Monkey, the number one and number four most consumed foods in America are candy and chips, respectively ("Top 10 Snack Foods Consumed In America"). With this in mind it is safe to assume that most of the lunches being packed contain these unhealthy snacks that kids usually love. If a child was asked to pick between fruit or a candy bar, the answer would be pretty obvious. Children do not care if it is good for them, but only care if it tastes good in general. With this in mind, think of what snacks the kids in school are likely to grab first.

The New One - Re-edited Cut

According to Insider Monkey, the number one and number four most consumed foods in America are candy and chips, respectively ("Top 10 Snack Foods Consumed In America"). With this in mind it is safe to assume that most of the lunches being packed contain these unhealthy snacks that kids usually love. If a child was asked to pick between fruit or a candy bar, the answer would be pretty obvious. Children do not care if it is good for them, but only care if it tastes good in general. With this in mind, think of what snacks the kids in school are likely to grab first. Although the kids seem oblivious to healthy eating, it simply is not their fault. At such a young age, children cannot grasp what effects junk food such as chips, candy, and soda have on their developing bodies. This leads to unhealthy, picky eating that not only diminishes the health of a growing child, but also creates a waste of food fiscally for parents.

The Questions we want answers to

1. The content changed when I re-edited because I added so much more analysis to the original part of the paragraph. Originally it was just fact after fact and it didn't really go well with my argument. After I added a little bit of analysis and soul to my paper, it flowed extremely well. The ideas are definitely conveyed much better in the newer version compared to the older one.

2. The form changed because I added a citation and that was pretty much it. Honestly form isn't huge in this project so I was able to just adjust my citation to the proper citation. I really don't know what else to say about this part, as it established credibility and that was the only thing that really changed.

Editorial Report 13a

Let's compare and contrast shall we?

In this blog post, I'm going to see the how far one of my body paragraphs has come in this paper.

The Original - Rough Cut

A topic that commonly resurfaces is the idea that schools provide no options for vegetarian or vegan students who cannot consume the same foods as their non-vegan and non-vegetarian counterparts. According to the Vegetarian Resource Group (VRG), schools are required to offer items such as a salad for both vegans and vegetarians to eat for lunch. Although currently only five percent of elementary schools offer other vegan options, there is always food available for people of this lifestyle. As society grows away from the traditional meat, veggies, and fruit lunch, more vegan options will open up in the upcoming years.

The New One - Re-edited Cut

      A topic that commonly resurfaces is the idea that schools provide no options for vegetarian or vegan students who cannot consume the same foods as their non-vegan and non-vegetarian counterparts. According to the Vegetarian Resource Group (VRG), schools are required to offer items such as a salad for both vegans and vegetarians to eat for lunch. Although currently only five percent of elementary schools offer other vegan options, there is always food available for people of this lifestyle. As society grows away from the traditional meat, veggies, and fruit lunch, more vegan options will open up in the upcoming years. Vegetarians have a few more options, as 25 percent of elementary schools have vegetarian options ("Vegetarian Journal's Foodservice Update, Vol. XII No. 2 And 3 -- Vegetarian Resource Group"). These meals consist of simple foods such as peanut butter and jelly, vegetable wraps, and other low maintenance food that satisfies the needs of vegetarians. It is understandable to note that there is not much diversity among the food options for people with specific diets, but the fact that there are some options proves that children will always have a meal at school that fits their needs.

The Questions we want answers to

1. The content changed when I re-edited because I added so much more analysis to the original part of the paragraph. Originally it was just fact after fact and it didn't really go well with my argument. After I added a little bit of analysis and soul to my paper, it flowed extremely well. The ideas are definitely conveyed much better in the newer version compared to the older one.

2. The form changed because I added a citation and that was pretty much it. Honestly form isn't huge in this project so I was able to just adjust my citation to the proper citation. I really don't know what else to say about this part, as it established credibility and that was the only thing that really changed.

Reflection On Post-Production 2

The final review of the project

In this blog, we're going to checkout how I've progressed throughout this project.

Time to evaluate

1. Successes during the week were that I finished the project even with a busy schedule. This whole week I had been stressed in non-academic aspects, so it had been a pretty rough week. I'm just happy that I got my project done, and that I did the college essay pretty well. My main focus was the genre examples, and I think I hit them pretty well.

2. Challenges this week included keeping my paper organized and well put together. I really suck at that, so making sure I didn't bounce all over the place was a huge key to the successes of the project. As I mentioned before, other challenges included the social aspect of the week. I had a retreat this weekend so it was pretty strenuous this week, balancing all of my stuff.

3. Next week will be be the start of a new week so I think it'll go well because it'll be something new. I can't wait to get to the final project, since it kind of signifies the end of the semester. I'm ready to go home, this semester has been rough to say the least.

4. I'm feeling okay about the project as of right now. I'm just glad the last major project is done and over with and that I can move on. I feel that this one was tougher to make creatively, so we'll have to see how well I did come grading time.

Open Post to Peer Reviewers

Showtime!

In this blog we are going to look at the rough cut of my standard college essay. Enjoy!

What you should know about my project

I'm going to be honest here, this really is a rough cut to my project. Like really rough. I want you to know how I feel about this essay, and I think you should pay special attention to my citations. To be brutally honest my teachers in high school were horrible at teaching citations. I think you need to lay into my essay and really give it a good edit. Don't hold back.

My weaknesses

Well my citations are a bit iffy. Another thing I need you to look at is the organization of my body paragraphs. I've always been able to get ideas across, but I've never been able to construct my ideas in a logical flow. The ideas usually kind of just bounce all over the wall and the connection doesn't work very. So, when checking out my essay keep these in mind and really help me out here if you can. DON'T BE NICE TELL ME LIKE IT IS.

My Strengths

I think the bread and butter of my essay are the intro and outro. I spent the most time dealing with these two parts of my essay so I feel like they're the best I have to offer to you. Hopefully they're well liked and appreciated but if there's any changes that need to be made, feel free to rip them apart. I'd prefer you to focus on my weaknesses though, as I feel like these are the areas I would need improvement on. I also feel that the content is pretty formidable too.

Link to project 

Check out my Standard College Essay here

Peer Review for Sienna Willis

The standard college essay review

In this post we are going to be taking a peek at Sienna's standard college essay!

Let the Editing begin

Name and Title: Sienna Willis's essay: “Tall”, “Petite”, and “Curvy” Barbie Dolls: A Desire for Increased Sales or Increased Body Positivity?

Type of edit: Content

Where: Sienna's project can be found here

How did I help :

I helped Sienna's essay by offering a suggestion to make her content more effective. I asked if she'd like to show her data better to strengthen her logical approach in her essay. In her essay she claimed how barbie sales have plummeted in the late 90's. As a reader I'm not totally convinced by these claims and would rather have some evidence of these statements. I think if she can cite a study or specific numbers she'll be well off and have a really good foundation for the essay.

Student's Guide Incorporation:

I think the aspect I helped with was the use of sources from her essay. I think if she slides her sources in more effectively, she'll really be able to add to her logical approach in her essay. The student's guide mentions the questioning of the fact stated which is what I elaborated on earlier. Once she adds this she'll be golden.

One thing that I admired:

I admired the flow of Sienna's essay. It blended really well together and was a very quick reading. I think the topic is a very controversial, and will definitely draw a lot of attention towards this essay. I think as long as Sienna doesn't change how the essay is written, she'll have a very effective paper on the Barbie Doll argument.

Peer Review for Ben Barnett

The standard college essay

In this post, we are going to be reviewing Ben Barnett's standard college essay excerpt.

Let the Editing begin

Name and Title: Ben Barnett and no title given (Editorial 12b) 

Type of edit: Content

Where: Ben Barnett's post can be found here

How did I help Ben:

I helped Ben's project by offering him better ways to present his information. As of right now his content is kind of choppy and not very well put together. The information is there, but I think how it is presented is what needs to be touched up on. Once he restructures his sentences and makes the flow better (they're like bullet points right now), Ben will be in great shape with his project.

Student's Guide Incorporation:

I think the aspect I helped with was the organizational part from the student's guide. I believe that by restructuring the sentences and moving them around in his paragraph, Ben will improve his work tremendously. This will make his purpose more effective, and he'll be able to present a better argument in his standard college essay.

One thing that I admired:

I admired the rational thought that Ben used in the excerpt from his piece. He was very level headed and wasn't trying to shove a radical idea down my throat. By using this type of tone and this writing style, I think Ben's paper will come off as very eloquently written, which I would like to put into my paper. I want to come off as rational with could intentions, and a reasonable argument that all parties will be able to listen to.

Editorial Report 12b

Before and After

In this post we are going to see the difference between my old conclusion paragraph, and my newly edited conclusion paragraph.

The original

            Countless studies point back to the fact that the health of student dining should be left in the hands of the schools rather than parents. With the strict health code guidelines that schools are required to follow, parents can be ensured that their children are provided with the best health opportunities available. In order to keep the kids of America healthy, parents must simply accept the fact that the school lunch trumps the classic, brown-bagged option that has been the food staple for the past century.

The Fresh cut

            Countless studies point back to the fact that the health of student dining should be left in the hands of the schools rather than parents. With the strict health code guidelines that schools are required to follow, parents can be ensured that their children are provided with the best health opportunities available. As obesity rates continue to rise, parents must look at the facts that point them to one of the causes of the weight gaining epidemic. In order to keep the kids of America healthy, parents must simply accept the fact that the school lunch trumps the classic, brown-bagged option that has been the food staple for the past century. Do you want your child to grow up unhappily at an uncomfortable weight? If not, take the precaution and set your child up for a life they deserve.

The Questions

1. So my content change for my outro was that I added some more material. Before, my outro was very objective which was great because it got the points across. What it lacked, however, was the emotional appeal that it needed. To fix that I added an emotional closing sentence. I put the ball in the court of the parents, and put it on them to change their child's lifestyle. I didn't force them to do anything, but offered a consideration that could lead to shaping their child's life. We'll see how effective it is.

2. The form changed slightly because I made a very powerful ending statement that should have an impact on the reader. Before, I kind of just ended my paper originally which would have sold the reader short in a sense. Not much else changed in the form of this section as I tried to make it pretty clean cut. I didn't want to drag out the ending, but rather end it powerfully and swiftly. This is what made the essay more effective.

Editorial Report 12a

Before and After

In this blog post we are going to check out the difference between my intro paragraph from last week to this week's.

The original

            The clock reads 11:30 a.m. and the stomachs of 32 elementary school children are rumbling. It’s lunch time. “Grab your lunches if you brought them from home!” the teacher reminds us as we eagerly push each other out of the way to be first in line. I was last in line, as I brought my lunch as per usual. After a short walk my classmates and I are in the lunchroom feasting on meals, school bought or home brought. I open my lunch box and see my favorite snacks: Cheetos, a turkey and cheese sandwich with mayo on both pieces of bread, chips ahoy cookies, and of course a juice box. Across from me were my friends consuming the school lunch, typically a burger or a hot dog accompanied with fruit and steamed vegetables. What I didn’t know at the time was that the lunch my loving mother had packed me was a ticking time bomb that slowly led to me becoming far too heavy for my own good. The lunches packed by parents often contain foods that contain little nutritional value for children, whereas school lunches are held to regulations set in place by the government. To promote a healthy and successful upbringing, parents should leave the lunches to the schools rather than themselves.

The Fresh cut

            The clock reads 11:30 a.m. and the stomachs of 32 elementary school children are rumbling. “Grab your lunches if you brought them from home!” the teacher reminds us as we eagerly push each other out of the way to be first in line. Being first was not a worry for me, as I had always brought my lunch to school. After a short walk my classmates and I are in the lunchroom feasting on meals, from both home and served fresh from the school kitchen. I quickly peer into my lunch box and see my favorite snacks: Cheetos, a turkey and cheese sandwich with mayo, chips ahoy cookies, and of course a Capri-Sun. Across from me were my friends consuming the school-made lunch, typically a burger or a hot dog accompanied with fruit and steamed vegetables. What I didn’t know at the time was that the lunch my loving mother had packed me was a ticking time bomb that slowly led to me becoming far too heavy for my own good. The lunches packed by parents often contain foods that have little nutritional value for children, whereas school lunches are held to health regulations set in place by the government. To promote a healthy and successful upbringing, parents should leave the lunch-making to the schools rather than themselves.

The Questions

1. I think the content changed tremendously even with a few minor edits. Basically all I did was cut out the minor phrases that made the content choppy and not very fluid. By removing these, I feel that the content itself remained intact, but I get the point across more efficiently. I think it's being communicated much more effectively now because it cut down the intro into a less lengthy paragraph. By just taking it out bits and pieces, the content is much smoother.

2. I'll be honest here, the form didn't change at all. The only part that changed was that I reshaped my personal anecdote which establishes the pathos in my essay. Since I haven't introduced any sources at this point, I don't have much form to discuss. I kept my thesis in there, and I believe that I established the form of the standard college essay quite well.