Sunday, April 17, 2016

Editorial Report 12b

Before and After


In this post we are going to see the difference between my old conclusion paragraph, and my newly edited conclusion paragraph.

The original


            Countless studies point back to the fact that the health of student dining should be left in the hands of the schools rather than parents. With the strict health code guidelines that schools are required to follow, parents can be ensured that their children are provided with the best health opportunities available. In order to keep the kids of America healthy, parents must simply accept the fact that the school lunch trumps the classic, brown-bagged option that has been the food staple for the past century.

The Fresh cut


            Countless studies point back to the fact that the health of student dining should be left in the hands of the schools rather than parents. With the strict health code guidelines that schools are required to follow, parents can be ensured that their children are provided with the best health opportunities available. As obesity rates continue to rise, parents must look at the facts that point them to one of the causes of the weight gaining epidemic. In order to keep the kids of America healthy, parents must simply accept the fact that the school lunch trumps the classic, brown-bagged option that has been the food staple for the past century. Do you want your child to grow up unhappily at an uncomfortable weight? If not, take the precaution and set your child up for a life they deserve.

The Questions


1. So my content change for my outro was that I added some more material. Before, my outro was very objective which was great because it got the points across. What it lacked, however, was the emotional appeal that it needed. To fix that I added an emotional closing sentence. I put the ball in the court of the parents, and put it on them to change their child's lifestyle. I didn't force them to do anything, but offered a consideration that could lead to shaping their child's life. We'll see how effective it is.

2. The form changed slightly because I made a very powerful ending statement that should have an impact on the reader. Before, I kind of just ended my paper originally which would have sold the reader short in a sense. Not much else changed in the form of this section as I tried to make it pretty clean cut. I didn't want to drag out the ending, but rather end it powerfully and swiftly. This is what made the essay more effective.

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