Peer Review for Sienna Willis

The Review for Sienna

In this blog post, I'm going to be reviewing Sienna Willis's introduction paragraph from her production report 11a (no title) found here.

Let's Analyze

For Sienna's SCE (Standard College Essay), I edited Sienna's form of her essay.

How'd I make it better?

I think I made Sienna's work better by offering advice on how to make the intro paragraph more concise, since currently it feels kind of lengthy.  The other suggestion I offered dealt with the personal anecdote she used in her introduction. I loved how she used a personal anecdote, as it establishes credibility, but there was one thing I want her to tweak. I think if she jumped right into her story rather than using the phrase "I remember when..." that she would have a much better hook to her intro. If you throw the audience into the scene I think it will be much more engaging to the audience than it currently is.

Student's guide incorporation?

I incorporated the summary and analysis section from the student's guide. I told Sienna that she had a little too much text for an introduction paragraph. Although it is meaningful information, it's just super lengthy and over summarized. I think if Sienna gets more to the point of her personal story, she'll be able to keep the reader's attention better. Walls of text in the starting paragraph can discourage readers from reading a great writing piece.

One thing I admired?

I admired the personal story Sienna used. She created a relation to me, the reader, by using something I can relate to. Granted I didn't play with barbie dolls, I could still feel the childhood days and relate to the idea that there is a perfect image of people created which has unhealthy effects. When I was younger I had the same issues due to being overweight. It led to so many problems that young kids shouldn't have to deal with. If I could replicate a personal story that has a similar effect on the reader, I think I can improve my SCE tremendously.