Editorial Report 12a

Before and After

In this blog post we are going to check out the difference between my intro paragraph from last week to this week's.

The original

            The clock reads 11:30 a.m. and the stomachs of 32 elementary school children are rumbling. It’s lunch time. “Grab your lunches if you brought them from home!” the teacher reminds us as we eagerly push each other out of the way to be first in line. I was last in line, as I brought my lunch as per usual. After a short walk my classmates and I are in the lunchroom feasting on meals, school bought or home brought. I open my lunch box and see my favorite snacks: Cheetos, a turkey and cheese sandwich with mayo on both pieces of bread, chips ahoy cookies, and of course a juice box. Across from me were my friends consuming the school lunch, typically a burger or a hot dog accompanied with fruit and steamed vegetables. What I didn’t know at the time was that the lunch my loving mother had packed me was a ticking time bomb that slowly led to me becoming far too heavy for my own good. The lunches packed by parents often contain foods that contain little nutritional value for children, whereas school lunches are held to regulations set in place by the government. To promote a healthy and successful upbringing, parents should leave the lunches to the schools rather than themselves.

The Fresh cut

            The clock reads 11:30 a.m. and the stomachs of 32 elementary school children are rumbling. “Grab your lunches if you brought them from home!” the teacher reminds us as we eagerly push each other out of the way to be first in line. Being first was not a worry for me, as I had always brought my lunch to school. After a short walk my classmates and I are in the lunchroom feasting on meals, from both home and served fresh from the school kitchen. I quickly peer into my lunch box and see my favorite snacks: Cheetos, a turkey and cheese sandwich with mayo, chips ahoy cookies, and of course a Capri-Sun. Across from me were my friends consuming the school-made lunch, typically a burger or a hot dog accompanied with fruit and steamed vegetables. What I didn’t know at the time was that the lunch my loving mother had packed me was a ticking time bomb that slowly led to me becoming far too heavy for my own good. The lunches packed by parents often contain foods that have little nutritional value for children, whereas school lunches are held to health regulations set in place by the government. To promote a healthy and successful upbringing, parents should leave the lunch-making to the schools rather than themselves.

The Questions

1. I think the content changed tremendously even with a few minor edits. Basically all I did was cut out the minor phrases that made the content choppy and not very fluid. By removing these, I feel that the content itself remained intact, but I get the point across more efficiently. I think it's being communicated much more effectively now because it cut down the intro into a less lengthy paragraph. By just taking it out bits and pieces, the content is much smoother.

2. I'll be honest here, the form didn't change at all. The only part that changed was that I reshaped my personal anecdote which establishes the pathos in my essay. Since I haven't introduced any sources at this point, I don't have much form to discuss. I kept my thesis in there, and I believe that I established the form of the standard college essay quite well.