Showtime!
In this blog we are going to look at the rough cut of my standard college essay. Enjoy!
What you should know about my project
I'm going to be honest here, this really is a rough cut to my project. Like really rough. I want you to know how I feel about this essay, and I think you should pay special attention to my citations. To be brutally honest my teachers in high school were horrible at teaching citations. I think you need to lay into my essay and really give it a good edit. Don't hold back.
My weaknesses
Well my citations are a bit iffy. Another thing I need you to look at is the organization of my body paragraphs. I've always been able to get ideas across, but I've never been able to construct my ideas in a logical flow. The ideas usually kind of just bounce all over the wall and the connection doesn't work very. So, when checking out my essay keep these in mind and really help me out here if you can. DON'T BE NICE TELL ME LIKE IT IS.
My Strengths
I think the bread and butter of my essay are the intro and outro. I spent the most time dealing with these two parts of my essay so I feel like they're the best I have to offer to you. Hopefully they're well liked and appreciated but if there's any changes that need to be made, feel free to rip them apart. I'd prefer you to focus on my weaknesses though, as I feel like these are the areas I would need improvement on. I also feel that the content is pretty formidable too.
Link to project
Check out my Standard College Essay here
Hello Jake,
ReplyDeleteI think your project started and concluded with great introductions and conclusions, I completely agree with your strengths.
However, I do think your essay could use a bit more...content. You actually did successfully set up a worthwhile public argument, and following through with the project could turn out very well.
I believe you need to either have two-three paragraphs discussing either the failure of home lunches or the pros of a school lunch, along with a paragraph dedicated to counter arguments against your project. Following through with these suggestions will definitely help your project. For example, one paragraph could focus on the nutrition of the school lunches, the third on the obesity epidemic and government regulations meant to fight it, and a third fighting people who may say that school lunches are terrible and aren't eaten (they're not).
Lastly, to start a rough bibliography, just go to easyBib or any site like that to get a basic idea of format for your essay. Make sure to look up APA or MLA format for your project however, and make sure to include any extra information for the essay.
Follow these suggestions, they'll give you a good starting point.
Your introduction and conclusion are awesome
-Alexander McCarthy
Hi Jake!
ReplyDeleteYou can find my Peer Review for your content HERE
I believe with more content and continuing to give more detail for each main point will help improve you standard college essay. Just make sure you stick to the genre conventions, develop more content and body paragraphs and put all citations. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHi Jake
ReplyDeleteI have to say that you chose a very interesting topic to write about, and I am very interested to see the information you have. I believe that what you have here is a very a good starting point. However, I have to point out that you do not formally introduce any studies though you make reference to them, it hurts your credibility when you cite something but don't introduce the source or why that source should be trusted.
Jake
ReplyDeleteIve read your essay and agree with what you said your strengths are. I do not know if I was not able to view the entire document or if it was actually only 2 pages. If so, I would suggest that you add a lot more content. The version I saw had no quotes or references to help build credibility. Also you do not have a counterargument which is a big portion of this whole project. I think you need at least two more pages of content so that an actual argument is being formed. If my computer is just tweaking and there is more than 2 pages then ignore this whole post I guess. If not, you have a lot of stuff to add.
Good Luck